Part 1 – Hearing the news. Watching Andy's kid get born. The first time Andy died.
Stab: Describe how you’re feeling right now?
Bruce: Fucking – without the f ’ing – really good. I’m actually doing really good right now. Here. Happy. I’m in a good spot. I couldn’t say that about a week ago. Well, y’know what, I have uh, I guess I was lost after my brother passed away. I just didn’t want to believe it. It’s still hard for me to believe. Feelings are a hard trip to deal with.
Where were you when Andy died? Who told you? That was the worst day of my life. I was at home and it was two weeks after the thing we did at the Canaries (Bruce did a trip with Stab to the Canary Islands last year). I remember we went to the fair the night before – me, Mia and Kaimelia (wife and daughter) – a Halloween fair and my daughter was all psyched. I was at home. I was in a deep sleep and it was about seven in the morning and I heard Lyndie at the door screaming. I came out of a dead sleep and as I came to it (Bruce snaps his fingers) – I instantly knew it. I heard her voice at seven in the morning, very pregnant, and in that split-second, I knew it. I knew instantly it was what it was. It’s a fucking trip to wrap your head around it. Lyndie was very pregnant and I was trying to calm her down and it just didn’t register. I had to call the coroner. It worked me. It tweaked me out. I was frantic and then it was, like, “Aha, no way this isn’t happening.” I was calming Lyndie and she was very, very pregnant and I was trying to make sure she and the baby were alright. It was horrible.
Describe the next few hours. It was fucked. So fucked. My brother was in Texas, he was dead and I talked to the coroner. I was like fuck, fuck, what the fuck happened? I was pissed off. Right away, I had the feeling I knew how he died. He died when he was 21 and no one really knows that story. He was in Indo after a trip. He was drinking a lot and was out of control. He’d snore when he was sleeping. I grew up next to him and he’d snore so hard. He’d do that thing (Bruce makes a snorting sound) and he’d stop breathing. It’s this thing from sleeping on your back. Sleep apnea. It stops you breathing. If there’s no one there to kick you, you stop breathing. I grew up sleeping next to it. I for sure thought that’s what happened to him.
Anyway, on his 21st birthday, he was with Archy (Matt Archbold) and Nathan Fletcher. Fuck, he drank a whole bottle of Jack Daniels on his own. Nathan wasn’t drinking and he was sleeping in the same room as Nathan. Nathan was hearing all these growly snorts, then he didn’t hear it for a long time and after a little while he looked over and my brother was white with purple lips. Then Nathan slapped him, slapped him really hard. Then he got Kasey Curtis (also on the trip), cause he’s a fireman. Then they took him to the shower naked, slapping him, he was purple in the shower. Long story short, he was unconscious and then they followed the ambulance to the hospital. He was on oxygen in the ambulance and he’d slip into these comas. His lung had collapsed. Then he flatlined. He was dead for six minutes. He was dead. My brother told me this story and he’d never told anyone else. My brother said, “Bruce, that white light, it’s all totally real. When I died I went into this white light. I was warm and I looked down and I saw my dead body with all these tubes and all these people working on me. I was in that place. And, to tell the truth, I didn’t want to come back. I was looking at my body, sitting on the table, dead.” And, he really liked it.
Describe your life in the past six months? I went into this weird feeling, almost kinda cuckoo. I felt I couldn’t get any lower in my life. I have a beautiful wife and family but my heart was broken. I was just sick, I didn’t want to be here. It’s not a good place to be in. It was depression and then just nothing. Then I think about my brother. Then I look at the ocean and every time I think of surfing and the ocean, everything I shared with my brother. Everything I see in surfing and the ocean, I associate with my brother. I felt guilty surfing. Why the fuck should I be surfing? I did that because my brother did that. Everything in the surfing world is from him. It’s hard to figure out things on my own. I was not letting anyone in. I stopped hanging out with anyone. I stayed at home and hung out with my wife and my baby. I didn’t want to talk to nobody. For the first time in my life, I felt right to do that and be by myself and with the ones who truly love me. I cried a lot. Fuck, I just cried a lot. It felt good to release that. Lyndie came and stayed with us and we kinda just dealt with it together.
Part Two – Memories. Reconnecting. Appearing as a starship commander in his dreams.
The five most vivid memories of your brother. My memories are about the sport and him. The ones that stick out the most are, I’ll say the one about Parko. My brother and Parko were in Tahiti and Parko had won the first two events (in 2009) so he was looking good to win the world title. We were all staying together. And, this is what my brother told me. Parko asked him on the side, by himself. He goes, “I haven’t won the world title yet, but how’d you deal with the pressure? I haven’t even won and I’m freaking out. How’d you do it, not just once, but three times?” And, Andy just goes, “Look, Parko, you’re too nice of a guy, you know? There’s nothing wrong with that, but you don’t say no to enough people: you have your trainer, you have a guy making a book on you, you have all these things and you let all these people come in and they distract you. They take your energy. I went off straight anger. Fuck everybody except for your wife and your immediate family. Everyone else is a competitor and you’re out to kill them – on the beach and out in the water.” And that’s how he did it. Everyone’s your competitor. And, I mean everybody. Even the people that’re not in the contest, that’re just travelling with the tour. And you don’t let anyone in. That’s exactly how my brother did it. Even I was in his fucking crosshairs. I remember I made the tour, but I only did it ‘cause he made it. And, I was stoked just to make it and, to tell the truth, when I did surf against him, I didn’t wanna win. Because that was his thing. He’s the world champ. I was just there ‘cause my brother was there. In Fiji, me and him had a heat together and, like, yeah, my brother’s all stoked I’m on tour, yoo-hoo. Yeah, we draw a heat in Fiji and, ah, he opens up with a 9.75 or 9.73 or something. And he fully just mad-dogged me for the first wave. I mean, the heat starts and I wasn’t gonna get priority at Restaurants. He’s, like, “Don’t fucking think you’re gonna get around me and get priority.” And I’m just AARRGGHH! That just kills me then ‘cause I really wanna beat him but I don’t wanna fuck his whole running-for-the-world-title thing up. So he opens up with a 9.75 or a 9.45, something like that. He’s paddling out, shoulders cocked back. I catch the next wave, I get a 9.75 or something. So I just kinda out-do him by a coupla little points. He paddles back out, we’re just sitting out there, it’s just me and him. He’s all stoked ‘cause of his score and mine comes out and he looks over and he’s like, “Pffft, what? You’re the new fucking flavour of the fucking tour? The new flavour of the month?” After that I was, like, “You know what? Fuck you, fuck this contest, this sucks!” You know? My brother’s out here, here we are again, it’s just like, argh! Next wave he gets, he gets like a 9.30, he’s like “Ye-heah!” Then I get a 10.
Kelly gets into everyone’s head, but Andy’s the only one who’s head Kelly couldn’t get into. Exactly. My brother, you look in his eyes, they’re black. You ever seen them? See, like, I have these nice, big, blue, batty fucking things? You look at my brother, his eyes are slant and it’s dark in there. And, you could look into his eyes and there’s a lot of things going on in there. A lot of it was crazy man, him going to battle with himself.
Full interview on STAB Magazine
